A Difficult Dichotomy

2010 has proven to be a year of deep introspection, self-discovery and re-evaluations. I have started out this year encountering some of the most difficult things I have encountered for awhile. What this means is: God has been at work within me.

The ironic thing is that this work He has been doing in me has been building within for sometime and I knew it was coming. I even remember thinking one day towards the close of 2009 that I felt God was about to teach me what I wasn't hearing as this work was building up. I still wasn't ready for it though; I didn't know what He was going to do and really hoped this one wouldn't hurt so much. It did, it does, it will for a bit longer.

The lesson I wasn't ready for is that I am still broken. That was a surprise... I thought He fixed me last time. Wasn't this the time to sit back and help others get fixed? I was hoping that after Becky and I had travelled the path He had laid out before us earlier (kicking, spitting and biting along the way); that any further adjustments wouldn't take much effort on my part. I don't think that's ever happened, but I hoped it would.

Enter some tough conversations with people, me reaching out to men who love and support me, a wife who puts up with too much from me and one God who knows how to orchestrate it all so that He is glorified.

So here I am, just through the initial quake, feeling self-inflicted aftershocks as I travel and I still am not fixed. The only difference is that I now know I'm not fixed and I'm actively reminding myself that I need to work on that (by working on this, I simply mean to let God take over since my attempts have proven to be fruitless).

So, I'd like to start out by saying: "My name is Matt, and I'm broken..."