“Did you hear about so-n-so?” is the first thing a friend might say following the public revelation of another’s sinful actions. As you are in this moment, it becomes obvious that there are undoubtedly numerous ways to respond to this question; and each reflects who Christ is in your life and how you view His commands. At this crossroad, your theological mind might process Ephesians 5 pertaining to not letting sexual immorality even be named among you (should you tape their mouth shut before they actually say it?), or you attempt to remember which of the Ten Commandments might have been broken (was it number eight or number nine that’s about lying?), or you might be a bit loftier and think not of the sin itself, but wonder which step in Church discipline the elders have gotten to already. The fact is that you more than likely do not need to gain more information than you might already have from your friend. At this point, there are some very important steps to take regarding your brother or sister’s sinful actions: know and pray about your role, respond with love and know your boundaries.
What roles do you or should you play right now?
More than likely, you are not the person who has been sinned against. If you were, you would know about it and need to respond accordingly, but Matthew wrote that article as part of a larger book (about someone else’s words and works named “Jesus”). It is possible for you to be a person who discovers the sinful actions of your brother or sister; but, again, Matthew covered that information. What is most likely is that you are part of the Church body with the sinner (harsh term, but sadly accurate) and your role is very interesting indeed. It is this role that Matthew only includes indirectly, as part of the Church he refers to in Matthew 18:17: “If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.” (ESV) There can be some debate as to what it means to treat the sinner “as a Gentile and a tax collector,” but getting to this point in the discipline process takes time, prayer and wise Church leadership. Before this point, it might be argued, that there are a great many roles that must be filled, these roles can range from a fellow mourner like Job’s friends (before they started to accuse), an encourager as Barnabas was known to be or a counselor, speaking truth into the lives of the sinner and/or the ones affected by the sins. Regardless of the role you are called to play, it must be approached in careful prayer and love.
What does love look like?
When a person sins (providing the Holy Spirit is at work in their lives) there is already guilt and pain added to the equation. This equation probably does not need you to be multiplied to any power as it has already been squared or even cubed. Therefore, your input on the severity of the sin, the effects of the sin or how “you always knew something was off about them” is best cleared from your heart and your mind, lest you become one whose sin requires others to respond in love. With your heart and mind in check, there are some things to consider about how to respond in love and in no way should love excuse sinful behavior. As Hebrews 12 reminds us, the love of God is like the love of a father and includes discipline. As previously noted, there are many different roles one might have in this situation, adding to this, each person’s role is based upon previous relationships already held. If you do not have a relationship with any involved, your expression of love should primarily take the form of prayer. If you are a youth leader and there are children involved, appropriate love could equate to being a counselor or listening ear for them. If your relationship has been with the sinner, love could equate to being a counselor or listening ear as well, for a different audience. The point is that an appropriate response of love is determined by your role and by your relationship with those involved already. From here, it is important to recognize appropriate boundaries.
Know Your Boundaries
In regards to the initial question, what should your response be to your friend? Engaging in gossip is a boundary that should not be crossed. There are two things to think of regarding this: do not be a source of information for others and do not seek out information for yourself. We have all encountered people with good intentions, seeking information and wanting to help. Similarly, we might have good intentions seeking information from others with a desire to help. The problem is that no matter the intentions, unless a person is directly involved, they do not need to know anything they do not already know. This is an essential boundary that must be followed in order to promote proper healing, which is the basis of the other boundary that must be observed. The goal of each of these steps is to promote healing for all involved. This boundary is one where the limits are only that which is deemed appropriate, or related to your role. Remember your role and do not attempt to go beyond that role unless you are equipped to embody another role and the Holy Spirit leads you. Attempting to be a counselor without proper training or leading would prove to be more of hindrance than a help. Additionally, not listening as the Holy Spirit does lead you towards a new role can have the same affect.
Throughout any time where someone’s sin has come to light (particularly, but not limited to, sexual sin) there are many victims. Many people carry the weight of one person’s failure and there are consequently many people who are in need of healing and help. Being directly involved (as in one of those addressed in Matthew’s article) requires a different role than someone indirectly involved. Though you might know and be affected by the sin of another, your role is probably different from those directly sinned against; and your role should then focus on bringing about healing for others. At a bare minimum, this would involve prayer and responding to your friend’s question with grace and love, directing them to join you in praying for so-in-so, their family and everyone else involved. If you are called to have a more active role in the situation, remember to know and pray about that role, respond in love and know your boundaries. The prayer is to bring the sinner into repentance and healing to the hearts of those directly involved.
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