Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Fear and Disconnect

Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. ~ Galatians 6:2

The image of a roller coaster fits as a theme for this summer. Not only have we been emotionally up and down, but the more intense roller coasters harness each rider individually. Over the last few weeks, Becky and I have had distractions that have helped keep us in denial as well as help us to remember each other. When we all got back together a week and a half ago, things got more difficult because Kate was with us, we saw her fingers and we have watched and listened to her struggle with and cry over her crappy future.

The worry of bringing up fears that have been momentarily forgotten, or worse, introducing a new fear has left all of us too scared to talk to each other. Sunday was a perfect example of this because it was truly such a crappy day. Kate has not been sleeping because Plaquenil causes very vivid nightmares. As such, she stays up late and wakes up early while waking up in the night dreaming about pretty rotten things. The result is that she is more emotional and grumpy. I got her to talk to me, knowing it wasn't just exhaustion, and she told me she is scared about scleroderma. This meant that on Becky's birthday, Kate was not doing well, and I needed to figure out how to shoulder this weight for both Kate and Becky, in a feeble attempt to help Becky celebrate her birthday.

The day ended with a backed up sewer line, Becky in tears and an expensive call to the plumber we can't afford late on Sunday night. The events ended with me spiraling into anger and frustration yesterday, alone trying to shoulder the weight of the day before. The difficulty of this is that there are times where I must take on this weight, there are other times where Becky will have to take on the weight and then there will be times where neither of us can take on the weight. In our efforts to take care of each other, and especially take care of Kate, we are having to sacrifice ourselves. Becky talked to the children yesterday after I blew up and told them that we need to do what we can to help each other when one of us isn't doing well. Yesterday that was me, today it might be Kate and this weekend might be Becky.

*I have debated on how to handle this blog in our new stage of life and I do not want to have this be a "Christian answer" place. I believe that God is big enough to handle my fears and struggles and anger. Any readers must therefore see our family's faith as fluid: we will not waiver in our knowledge of God's love and our love for Him, we will waiver in our understanding of Him. As such, I will not always post verses, draw conclusions and wrap things up nicely.
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