Monday, October 12, 2015

Hope Seems Fleeting


In Core, we talk about how when someone asks "How are you doing?" they usually do not want to know the actual answer, they want to hear "Good" and to keep walking. For some people, they can't simply say good and respond outside of the culturally accepted norms for one reason or another. Often, we learn who these people are and simply do not ask how they are doing and instead talk about the weather, the Seahawks losing or Netflix.

Right now, I cannot, in good conscience, respond to this question with my carefully worded "Fine," I must write down how much life just sucks. Becky is better at responding appropriately, though I do not think her typical “Good” is, in fact, good. So this is your warning that I’m about to betray our mental and emotional states at this moment.

We physically hurt. Specifically, my elbow hurts quite a bit, a carryover from the car accident the children and I were in on June 11th. I am going to Occupational Therapy twice a week to get it worked on and fixed, but the headache of dealing with the insurance company causes more physical pain. Also, Becky's foot has been swollen since about the same time this summer and no one knows why. She has had x-rays and an MRI and the podiatrist does not have a clue as to why her foot swells every day. It is discouraging for her, expensive for us and frustrating all around.

Speaking of Becky, she is now on Plaquenil too. Since she has secondary Raynaud's, the same blood work as Kate and has generally been a few months behind her in symptoms, Becky's doctor prescribed the same medication and is telling us we are looking for the same crappy disease with her. And it is a crappy disease. Someone once told Becky (in regards to Kate) "At least it isn't cancer." That is not the right thing to say. Scleroderma sucks. I never want to try and figure out which sucks more, cancer or scleroderma, but I can assure you, neither option is happy.

Kate. Our beautiful little girl. She is more scared than we are even. This entire weekend she has clung so tightly to Becky. She has broken down into tears at the drop of a pin. Doing her math homework yesterday had her weeping. The anticipation of a math test today shut her down. It isn't the math, it is the fact that we have another Seattle Children's appointment on the 22nd. It is the little things that remind her that she is sick. It is the cold that turns her fingers purple during Church. As we held her and she struggled to put the heaviness she feels into words, she just cried silent tears, which is scarier still.

How are we supposed to help a beautiful 9 year old girl wrestle with her anger towards God, her sadness and help her understand how unfair it really is, while still assuring her of God's and our love for her? She shouldn't have to go through this! She should not wrestle with things that have killed the faith of Theologians and pastors and saints who faithfully served God for decades!

Life really sucks and though our minds know and try to cling to our one true hope in this life, we struggle to encourage our hearts to do the same.
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